Next week my family travels to California for a vacation. I can hardly wait to arrive. I love the ocean, especially the rise and fall of the waves. Oceans are mesmerizing to me. The push and pull of the tides symbolizes the struggle to maintain balance in a chaotic, turbulent world. I love how the sand is always shifting, never settling permanently, but following the directions of the ocean, momentarily resting before being lifted and sent along a new path.
I imagine the ocean as the system that sustains the pulse of the planet, enveloping the Earth with the force needed to balance in the universe. I find myself wanting to be a part of the ocean--a fish never needing to surface, taking oxygen from the water, diving to the ocean floor and escaping the cacophonous clutter of howls, screams, and taunts of a world moving too fast. I could spend each day surrounded by the protective embrace of the water, enjoying the knowledge that my body was perfectly adapted to this oceanic home, and I would never again feel the pressure of trying to belong in an environment not hospitable to me.
My autism leaves me feeling like a fish pulled from the ocean, like I am struggling to breathe. My silence only makes me feel more out of place, like a horse out of his stable but unable to race.
This blog is like a life-vest keeping me from being completely swept aside by a world drowning in noise. This is my chance to finally say to the world
Don't count us out -- the voiceless, the kids who cannot get their bodies to cooperate. More than you can imagine, we share the same dreams and hopes. We just want to be included. We especially want to tell you that we need your patience. We want to feel like we belong, instead of dreaming about life in another body and another place.
I must live my life on solid ground. No amount of praying is going to give me gills. Besides, I would miss my family if I moved under the sea, although I could surely navigate water better than dry land. I must adapt to this world as much as I can, but it would be helpful if the world could adapt a bit to me. I don't want to be ignored, and I don't want to be pitied. I want to be accepted as someone who matters.
